were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
