you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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