I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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