i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
