I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
