Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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