I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
