My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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