I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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