I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Four minutes until I can fart!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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