I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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