there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
