I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize