Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My dick has a subreddit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
