dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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