the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
