I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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