i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
