Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
