I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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