$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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