I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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