This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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