Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
