Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
