Girls should come with a carfax report
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
