I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
