You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize