I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
