im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
