worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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