if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
