My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
