just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
