Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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