Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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