I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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