All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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