Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
