you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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