How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
