im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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