Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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