When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
