Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
