I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
