dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
