I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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