My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
