I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
