guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
