Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
