Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
