I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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