I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
